I hate the Museum of Modern Art in New York because it has exhibits of “art” — “art” that consists of, for example, a large square canvas painted solid blue.

Is that art? No.

Taking the absurdity a step further, we have “minimalist” “artist” Martin Creed whose “art” includes such wonders as the one pictured below, entitled “some blue-tack kneaded, rolled into a ball, and depressed against a wall.”

Here’s Martin himself, obviously laughing at the Brits who awarded him £20,000 and the Turner Prize for his work “The Lights Going On and Off.” It consists of a room with two blinking lights.

How do you make it look like your staff is better than they are? Easy.
Do what Timothy Parker does (he runs a crossword-constructing company: Give awards to your staff, then claim to have an award-winning staff!

Check out his Master Puzzles site where he lists several of his constructors as “Winner of the Bernice Gordon Award for Crossword Constructing Excellence.”

What he fails to mention is that he gives out that award!

Here’s how to do it yourself:
1. Go to a friend and have him say aloud, “[Your name here] is one of the smartest people in America today.”
2. Amend your résumé, bio, Web site, whatever to read, for instance, “Andrew Kantor has been called one of the smartest people in America today.”

Bingo — instant qualifications!

According to CNN, regarding those high-school girls who attacked their classmates as part of a “hazing” incident…

Book deals? Movie deals? Even Lifetime couldn’t make a 90-minute movie out of that. (Could it?)

I think Proctor & Gamble is in worse financial trouble than it’s been saying. Let me explain.

Because I own my own domains — kantor.com and whizkid.com — when I have to give out an e-mail address on a Web site, I often use an address that identifies the site, like “tvguide@whizkid.com.” That way I can tell who’s selling my address.

I did that very thing at a Proctor & Gamble site — one for Tide detergent. It was an “I Love Tide” promotion, and I used the address “ilovetide” @whizkid.com to get a free sample.

Lo and behold, it wasn’t long before the spam below was sent to that address from “Andie@yahoo.com” (actually a company at officialtvoffers.net).

Apparently, P&G is desperate enough for money that it’s selling my address to trailer-trash companies like this.

(From now on, any mail to that address goes to the webmaster and president of P&G — aglafley@pg.com and piregistrar.im@pg.com.)

Well, at least we know what the deer in Minnesota do for fun. (No joke. See it at the Minnesota Dep’t. of Natural Resources Web site.)

The folks at Nalgene refer to their GoCup as “travel mug.” I guess that’s in the sense that the aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt is a “boat.”

Once again from the Dispatch — this time it’s advice for avoiding monkeypox. One suggestion: “Avoid contact with prarie dogs or Gambian giant rats that appear sick.” (Emphasis mine.)

Technically, according to Rat & Mouse Gazette (you can’t make this stuff up), they’re African Giant Pouched Rats — 28 inches long and 3 1/2 to 4 pounds of solid muscle.

For lack of anything better, the folks at Serca had this praise to heap upon the fine products from Quaker:

From the Columbus Dispatch, Sunday, June 8, 2003. If you ask me, she’s still a bit shellshocked over her new name.