Blaming the messenger — how would you handle this?

Published 12/10/07

Here’s a situation I find myself in. I won’t mention names or places, but it shouldn’t matter.

Not too long ago, I (A) had a bad thing (B) happen to me. The news was brought to me by two people (C, D). It was done in what I thought was a surprisingly unprofessional matter, and involved some, er, truth-stretching on their part.

Although D has a long-held reputation of being a nasty and vindictive person, I had always had what I thought was a good relationship with C. But they brought me the news together and naturally I blamed them both.

Immediately afterwards, I said some nasty things about the two of them to various people in various ways. I was shocked and appalled by the entire incident, and I lashed out through several channels.

But later I learned that what happened to me was almost entirely D’s doing; C was pretty much forced to go along with it (although "forced" might be too strong a word). Yet by lashing out at both of them, I ruined what was left of a decent relationship with C.

So here I am, having done something nasty to C, finding out that I was wrong to do so. My relationship is clearly and irrevocably severed. I suspect C might understand why I lashed out the way I did, but it was still pretty darned mean on my part.

Is there any way to repair this kind of damage? I certainly don’t expect to be friends — or even colleagues again — but if and when I see C again I’d like not to have to turn away.

Any suggestions?

The Fray

10 responses (add yours)

Dear Abby's Ghost says:

Try a simple “I’m sorry” note. Admit you screwed up, overreacted, and regret it. Since there is no way to erase the past or make up for it, you are left to ask for forgiveness. No excuses or blame -simply an apology.

C may or may not forgive you - but you’ve confessed your sin and left the door open for a future relationship should C accept your offer.

We’ve all screwed up - sometimes huge (ever nearly put a company out of business by losing ALL thier electronic records? I have.) The best we can do is take responsiblity and ask forgiveness. And it works at least 50% of the time - or so the divorice rates indicate.

December 10th, 2007 at 5:22 PM

Morkleb says:

I agree with the Ghost. Take responsibility, and don’t blame D any further, otherwise it shows you haven’t learned anything from said incident.

December 10th, 2007 at 11:06 PM

Dorene says:

I’ve been on both sides of that story. More frequently than I care to admit.

I have to agree with the Ghost: apologies can really go a really long way. If you can, do it in person. If you can’t, use the phone. But apologize. The sooner, the better, and be as honest as possible. And don’t forget to tell them flat out that you sincrely want to fix this. That can go a long way, too.

Best of luck. :)

December 10th, 2007 at 11:17 PM

Gnomic says:

Face-to-face is great, but if you’ve really screwed the pooch, a note often works better (if they don’t just toss it) as people can tend to have an emotional reaction in person that they may not with a note. Spending the time to put it in writing shows a certain amount of comitment.

AKA Ghost

December 11th, 2007 at 10:17 AM

Hank Carr says:

Do three things.

Apologize - give C an honest, unqualified, unjustified apology. Don’t say something like “I’m sorry if you found what I said offensive.” Obviously it was offensive. “I’m sorry. What I said was cruel and I should not have said it.” Full stop.

Understand - make clear why you believe that you owe C an apology. Once again, don’t qualify or justify. “You were not responsible for what happened and I understand that.”

Learn - tell C that you will not make the same mistake again. “I value our relationship and will not make the same mistake again.”

Simple but hard to do. The most important thing is to remember not to qualify or justify what you say or write.

Hank.

December 11th, 2007 at 2:05 PM

Anonymous says:

MMm, plus if you apologize, your conscience is clean. If D had a gun to C’s head while doing said dickery, only then would C have no blame.

In most situations in life, in general, you just do your best, admit when you screw up, and move on. If other people can’t deal with it, it becomes their problem.

December 11th, 2007 at 2:34 PM

BB Bertie says:

Hold on…. C was there doing the dirty too!!

If you’re going to apologise to C, just consider whether they’re not just a bit culpable too!

December 13th, 2007 at 8:34 AM

Gnomic says:

Have you considered just hidng the bodies? Then you will never have to see anyone and turn away.

Just thinking outside of the box…or inside of it as the case may be.

December 13th, 2007 at 10:24 AM

Leland says:

Mega apologies and a lot of buying for the both of you at the local pub. Follow up by covering the cab ride home.

December 13th, 2007 at 4:59 PM

lionemom says:

Agreed, agreed, agreed. With all of the above. I have known people in this situation and the only thing that can possibly start the path to mending a relationship (if that is even possible) is to apologize in an unqualified manner.

Best of luck. If C chooses not to accept, there is nothing else for you to do. It sucks, but it happens. Someday that apology may mean something to them.

January 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 PM