Right-wing extremist and columnist Robert Novak is in a spot of trouble. You might remember Novak — he gave the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame to our enemies because he didn’t like her husband.

Seems Novak, known around Washington as an “aggressive driver” (read: jerk), hit a pedestrian. The pedestrian, described as a “male in his 60s,” slammed against Novak’s windshield before falling off. Novak sped away, and only stopped when a bicyclist moved in front of his car and prevented Novak from going further.

My favorite part, though: Novak claimed he didn’t realize he had hit anyone.

The man bounced off his windshield, and Novak says he didn’t notice this. Maybe I’m a bit more observant than most folks, because if a man slammed into my windshield while I was driving, I think I’d be aware of it.

Ergo, either Novak is inattentive or has a medical condition that prevents him from seeing what’s on the road, or he’s an out and out liar. There aren’t any other options.

Seen Dr. Horrible yet? Worth it just for Felicia Day. (Don’t she just wanna make you become a stalker? In a good way, of course.)

A middle-school science teacher and religious nut branded crosses in some students’ arms. He was not reached for comment, but a friend of his was:

“With the exception of the cross-burning episode … I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district,’’ Dave Daubenmire says.

Put a sign on a coworker’s chair reading “What were you thinking?! SEE ME NOW!” Leave off any signature.

Two shots that might make you cringe — from “No One Lives Forever,” circa 2002, which I’m playing now.

Q: What’s black and says, “Auuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhh!”?

A: A henchman… with a spear through his crotch.

Some bad guys (and gals) are harder to kill than others:

So says the Daily Telegraph.

Back in March I wrote about Todd Davis, the CEO of LifeLock, who put his Social Security number out there for anyone to see. LifeLock, you see, protects against identity theft, and Davis was showing his confidence.

Well, oops. Now LifeLock is being sued because customers say the service doesn’t work — and they discovered that Davis himself had that Social Security number used against him.

Attorney David Paris said he found records of other people applying for or receiving driver’s licenses at least 20 times using Davis’ Social Security number, though some of the applications may have been rejected because data in them didn’t match what the Social Security Administration had on file.

[snip]

Davis acknowledged in an interview with The Associated Press that his stunt has led to at least 87 instances in which people have tried to steal his identity, and one succeeded: a guy in Texas who duped an online payday loan operation last year into giving him $500 using Davis’ Social Security number.

I took this on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge:

…this appears in her store:

Yes, it’s apparently real.

This makes it bearable to think about again.

“[There was] a judge who recognized three degrees in liars: the liar simple, the damned liar, and the expert witness.” –W.D. Gainsford, 1891

Huh?

But this bodes well:

Because back in Roanoke they have different taste:

Wow, I can see why National City is going under. As you may recall, not too long ago I filled out an online form asking about what options were available to me to reduce my monthly mortgage payments. Instead, National City took that request for info and turned it into an application to begin short-selling my house.

With all that finally straightened out, I finally did apply for either the short-sell or “deed-in-lieu” options.

I filled out the same online form again (you can’t resubmit it), and sent it in.

Yesterday I receive a letter from National City Mortgage asking for “additional information.” What additional information? The same stuff that was in the online application.

They don’t want additional information; they want the same stuff all over again.

The form they sent has some of the field populated, but — despite the fact that I filled them in — most are blank or incorrect. (!)

Further, although they sent this form to my correct address, the mailing address listed on the form is incorrect.

Amazing. I can’t understand how this company can stay in business when its computer systems are so poorly designed and/or integrated.

So I called the 800 number to speak to a person. I get through and am told (by a human), “Our systems are down. Can you please call back after 1:00?”

Yeah, sure.

Oops.

Palestinian students protest Israel’s closing of their ’schools,’ (which are linked to Hamas and terrorism).

My job for Computerworld is to write keywords and determine subjects for blog posts.

It’s usually easy, until I come across one that begins like this:

The world’s first ACP tool for LTE Capesso™ LTE is the world’s first automatic cell planning tool for LTE.

Then I gotta start looking things up. :)

I’ve been dealing with National City Mortgage, and the level of utter stupidity over there astounds me. I gotta share this.

We own a house in Roanoke. We moved to Richmond. Ergo, until we sell the house we’re paying mortgage and rent. It’s possible now, but it’s a stretch for us until my freelancing gets off the ground in a bigger way. (We’re looking at renting out the house as one option.)

OK, you’ve got the situation.

I went to the National City Web site and saw a link, “Having trouble paying your mortgage?” Ah, I thought, maybe they have some programs we can use to reduce payments or something.

The site said I had several options, depending on whether I wanted to keep or give up the house. But I had to fill out a form detailing my financial info so they could tell me what might work. (Link goes to PDF of blank form.)

I did this. The form asks for a listing of my income and my expenses, what the house is worth, a copy of the listing agreement with the Realtor, etc. Simple. I awaited a response.

I didn’t get it. Instead, my Realtor called to say that National City had called her saying we were short-selling the house and that they needed to get an appraiser in. (Short selling, which I had never heard of until that call, means that National City will take less than the full amount of the mortgage, but it would leave a bad mark on my credit.)

Huh? I had no intention of “short selling.” I just wanted info. Further, the National City rep said she was looking at an FHA loan for us to help do this short-sell thing.

Huh? Argh!

So I called National City and said, essentially, WTF? And I was told — seriously — that although the form I filled out said it was just an application for financial help, in reality it was starting the short-sell process even though it never said any such thing. (I have screen grabs of the whole process. It’s pretty clear.)

‘Stop this madness!’ I told the National City person (one “Mrs. Beasley”). I don’t want to short sell. I was just curious what options I might have.

Process stopped. Good. Well, no — I was ticked. So that evening I wrote to National City’s ‘elevated’ customer service address and said, basically, WTF? And: Did you apply for an FHA loan in my name?

The next morning, lo and behold, National City calls me back. This person explains that the online form I filled out is routed to the ’short-sell department,’ but no — they weren’t going to short-sell my house. The whole process starts with an appraisal and then they’ll tell me what they can do.

“You asked us to help you sell your house,” she said. Huh? What? I did no such thing! I asked for information about what help I qualify for, period! ARGH!

Well, she said, you told us that you’re selling your house and that you want financial help. Ergo, you obviously want help selling your house.

No no no, a thousand times no! All I want is information. Stop the $#%&@! process.

Process stopped.

Then I get a call from Thea Dodge, the National City rep who spoke to my Realtor. Of course we started the short-sell process, she said. It’s the only option you have.

Blink. Blink.

Then we took a left turn into a cross between the Twilight Zone and Catch-22:

Based on the information I gave them, National City has determined that we cannot afford to make payments on the house (despite the fact that we have and will continue to do so — it’s tight, but very doable).

Are you ready? Because National City thinks we can’t afford to make payments they will not offer us any kind of assistance.

In order to get assistance, we first have to prove that we can make the payments.

Yes, you read that right. ‘We cannot help you until you prove you don’t need help.’

“Isn’t that a bit backwards?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you want to help me because you think I need help?”

And then we come full circle. Or full something. The only way they can, er, are willing help is by doing a short sale. Ergo, based on this, they began the short-sale process.

Can’t I roll, say, two payments into the mortgage — let me skip a couple and make it up later?

“Which payments do you mean?” Ms. Dodge asks.

“April or May?” I suggested; we already made the March payment.

Nope. We can’t set up a repayment plan or a loan modification based on payments we haven’t made yet. Get this: In order to get that assistance, we first have to miss the payments, get the nasty foreclosure letters, take the credit hit, etc.

I can’t say, “I’d like to skip a payment, can you help.” I have to first skip it, then they might help.

So what about that appraiser they wanted to send? The rep I spoke with said that, before they determine what kind of assistance I might qualify for, the house has to be appraised.

Oh, no, said Ms. Dodge. “We only use the appraiser for a short sale.”

“So what she told me was wrong?” I said.

“Yes. I’ll have to let her know about that.”

Does anyone at National City know what they’re doing? Doubtful. At best, they’re all working with different versions of the same playbook, making it impossible for us to figure out what’s correct and what’s not.

Bottom line: We’ll continue doing what we were doing — paying the mortgage every month and either selling or renting the house.

And if the time comes that we want to do something drastic, well, that’s when we pay a visit to these folks.

I’m not the type to have one, but if I did ever put up such a sign, this is the one I’d use:

As I create my new cards (I feel reasonably settled now), I think this is what’s going on the back:

Suggestions? Tweaks?

Via a Fark submitter:

“I like escalators because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You’ll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.”