Dilbert must work in a non-at-will state. In today’s strip, “Keith” (a non-regular character) is told that he’s the next employee targeted for elimination.

“I’ll be using a rumor campaign to convince everyone you are dishonest and incompetent,” Alice says to him.

Had this been an at-will employment state like, say, Virginia, of course, Alice wouldn’t have to make up lies or excuses to get rid of the guy. The company could simply say, “We don’t want you here anymore.”

The joke is that Alice is such a nasty person that she wants to screw with Keith’s life to get him out of a job even though she doesn’t have to. Funny stuff!

That’s the only way to save this comic. Everybody dies. Horribly. The final panel nothing but the screams of suffering before they’re finally, mercifully, cut off.

I had no problem with the Lisa-dies-of-cancer storyline; comics shouldn’t be all sweetness and light — witness Doonesbury. But Funky Winkerbean has gone so over the top with its depressing, oh-woe-is-us storylines that it’s become a parody of itself.

Lisa dies — a long, drawn out death. Any normal person would know that after weeks of pounding us over the head with impending doom (and then doom), it was time to relieve the pressure.

But not Tom Batiuk! No siree! His vision: Make things worse! As I write this, Les is walking in the rain after scattering Lisa’s ashes, and has just had his pocket picked. Come on!

What’s next? Maybe his foot will be run over by a car and he’ll spend the rest of the strip on crutches. Or maybe he’ll catch pneumonia. Oh, wait — I don’t think there’s a blind character. Les could go blind!

And maybe, newly blinded, he’ll walk into the street in front of a car that will swerve to avoid him, cutting off a gasoline tanker, which will overturn and explode in front of Montoni’s Pizza, killing everyone inside.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, scene!