As we don’t have an address (nor do I have an official job title) in Richmond yet, but I like to have personal cards to give out, I came up with this:

I almost added “Certified.” 

I hope if when I’m arrested, I have a bit more dignity.

Answer: It doesn’t matter what you think. It’s kinda obvious.

I wonder if Xenu ordered them to do it.

Put this in the CD player of someone’s car…

My, how things have changed since 1963. I direct you to this compilation of images from the children’s book Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever. One set is from the 1960 printing, the other from 1991.

Men have become women. Indians Native Americans have disappeared. A menorah has appeared. Gone are the "handsome pilot" and "pretty stewardess." And so on.

Know someone who owns a cat and doesn’t live alone? Do this: Buy a litter scoop. When you’re at your friend’s house and are alone, put the (brand new) scoop in her dishwasher.

Works even better if the dishwasher has clean stuff and just hasn’t been emptied yet.

When you’re riding in an elevator (or anything that has people coming and going), it’s inevitable that you’ll hear chunks of conversations between others, but that you won’t be able to join in on.

That in mind, I occasionally make use of this fact. I’ll be in an elevator with a friend (I did this a lot with an ex-girlfriend, which is one reason she’s an ex) and say one of the following.

“So, did they reattach your roommate’s arm?”

“You’re serious? They cut the whole thing off?”

“Anyway, I ended up stabbing him in the eye.”

“Yeah, her fingers were popping like grapes.”

“I thought that was the color it was supposed to be.”

You could, of course, take the low ground and say things like “Did the cream I gave you help at all?” but I think it’s more fun not to try to embarrass the other person because they’re more likely to play along.

So, any suggestions for elevator comments?